TV REVIEW: ‘FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, SEASON 1 EPISODE 8: LA CONQUISTA’

“All right, vampire killers… let’s kill some fucking vampires.”

Every time a new episode starts, I hear Wayne and Garth in my head going “do ta do do ta do do ta do” to indicate we’re flashing back to something else. We go for the way back with “La Conquista,” like back to the Spanish conquistadors, and we see Carlos landing on a beach (presumably in Mexico, but I don’t recall a subtitle telling me for sure) with others. Carlos, for his loyalty, is given the honor of claiming the land, which he does.

If you recall, in the last episode, Gonzalez plugged Richie in the back (that pussy) and now Santanico is fawning all over the fallen Gecko. She almost looks like she’s riding him (in that fun way I want Santanico to ride me). Carlos enters the room and tells her everything is on track – the other counselors are gone and Narciso is in chains. Santanico disagrees with his assessment since Gonzalez is still alive. Carlos states that his survival was impossible… until they wonder if he’s part of some ancient bloodline. So, I guess Gonzalez won’t be turning anytime soon, and Santanico sends Carlos to finish the Ranger. She turns her attention back to Richie. He has to want to be a vampire.

A pissed off Seth pins Gonzalez against the bar and puts a knife to his throat until Jacob interrupts with a shotgun barrel at the base of Seth’s skull. Gonzalez says he knows a way out, it’s better not to kill him. In the end, they vote whether to take him or leave him, since he has been bitten. The votes go against him as the only one who wants to take him along is Jacob. This impressed me a bit, you know, characters being fucking smart. Even Tanner says it’s basic common sense to leave him.

Scott finds himself in the catacombs, hearing noises all around. He’s backing up, trying to look in all directions at once and two green eyes open in the darkness behind him. We all know Scott dies in the film and I was anticipating that death here, but we’re cut away to Seth typing Gonzalez to the remains of a stripper pole. Gonzalez keeps digging at Seth, telling him Richie’s going to be a vampire anyway, and what’s he going to do then. I wanted to hear, “Well, that is a matter of opinion and I do not give a fuck about yours.” They leave Gonzalez there and drop down the hole toward the grinder. Tanner drops their bag of weapons into the juicer’s gears (something had to go wrong) and Jacob hurts his knee, but they all manage to crawl into a side shaft.

Gonzalez gets free using a chair and Richie’s ancient blade. He finds an axe and starts beating on the floor, trying to get the trap door open so he can follow Seth. Carlos walks out onto the stage, his conquistador sword in one hand. He tells Gonzalez he should be dead and the two end up fighting, sword vs axe. Admittedly, I had a problem with this fight scene. I mean, come on now, Carlos is 500 years old, a proven swordsman, and he can’t carve up one Freddie Gonzalez? What, do they give fencing and sword fighting lessons to Texas Rangers nowadays? Because, you know, guns and grenades are so outdated… at any rate, Gonzalez actually disarms Carlos (coughbullshitcough) and Gonzalez cuts him a a piece of the vampire’s cheek. This just irritates Carlos and he uses his physical power to put Gonzalez down on the bar. He exposes the Ranger’s neck and bites him. Says he tastes like chocolate, and then tells Gonzalez he’s part of an ancient bloodline, but he’s not invincible. Carlos walks away, going for his sword, but Gonzalez slips off the bar and grabs a chunk of wood bigger than his arm. He uses this as a spear, which impales Carlos to a chair from ACROSS THE ROOM. Oh yes, it happens, and he rushes at the vampire, grabs the sword and puts it to Carlos’ throat. Things certainly don’t look good for our resident bad boy vampire.

Back in Santanico’s chambers, she’s trying to convince Richie to become a vampire. He’s refusing and he puts a dagger in her chest where her heart should be, which doesn’t kill her. She tells him she doesn’t have a heart, but that still hurt. Santanico takes his hand and shows Richie a vision of her past, of how she became a vampire, of how she became a slave. How she had no choice, basically, and all because of her birthday. Richie doesn’t care – he doesn’t want to be cursed like she is, as it’s clearly not living. But then he asks what’s in it for him and, well, we all know that’s the beginning of the end. At one point, Scott is seen skulking around, spying on them, but he doesn’t do anything to help Richie out. Did he get away from green eyes in the catacombs and if so, how?

Seth’s group travels the catacombs looking for Scott. Tanner imparts more historical knowledge on us, mainly that the blood sacrifices call the vision serpent, which grants access to a higher plane of consciousness. Personally, I’ll take a well-aged Scotch for my personal transportations (and Seth actually makes a good Crystal Skull joke here. Seems like everyone hated that movie). The walls indicate the temple and the snake-like vampires are guarding the Underworld. During this, Kate tells Jacob she’s not afraid of dying because she’ll go to Heaven and see her mother again. Jacob says there’s something he has to tell her, but before he can, noises arise in the tunnels around them and they flee. Mom must be in Hell, otherwise what could he possibly have to say to his daughter about her belief? With Jacob’s bum knee, they fall behind Seth and Tanner, who find shelter behind a pair of heavy doors. Tanner shouts at Seth to close the door, but he won’t, and Seth runs out to help Jacob into the room. They get the door shut just in the nick of time, bar it, and Kate knees Tanner in the balls. Kate is coming along nicely, turning into the badass she was in the movie.

And now they’ve found the store room. You know, the one where they fill condoms with holy water and find the ever-repeating crossbow of death? Yeah, that store room. They also find an angry black man who jacks Seth in his face with the butt of a shotgun. Tanner guesses the man has been pretty deep into the temple, but this guy makes Seth play a twisted type of Wheel of Fortune where most options are death of some sort, but Seth lands on “shopping spree.” Cue finding kick ass weapons that no one in their right mind would ever choose, except maybe Tanner and his sword.

Santanico continues to work on Richie, tempting him this time with power and immortality (she had me at immortality) in answer to his question of what’s in it for him. Yet, he still resists, and asks about her “boyfriend” Carlos. Santanico tells Richie he doesn’t have to worry about Carlos.

Back in the main part of the bar, Gonzalez has Carlos right where he wants him (unbelievable as it is) and he wants to know why Richie is so special. Carlos, instead of really answering the question, tells Gonzalez about giving communion to the natives when he first arrived. Later, he’s telling jokes about some wenches when the Captain dresses him down for not being a good Christian. Carlos says he’s only here for the gold anyway, to which the Captain replies, “Find their gods, find their gold.” Carlos, being savvy, has the natives take him to a temple (guess which one?) and he finds their gold, but he also finds Santanico. As she’s going to bite him, he cuts her free, and explains that his job has been to feed her ever since. He brings his Captain and the rest of his men back, killing them all.

Santanico tells Richie that Carlos worships her, not loves her, which is apparently important to passing the trials needed to set her free. Trials? Poor Carlos is just a greedy bastard, but Richie is more interested in the trials.

Carlos tells Gonzalez the Masters are the ones who deserve to die, not him. He’s just a slave and his death won’t change anything. Gonzalez disagrees, pointing out all the people killed in the Titty Twister and yeah, even Carlos just smirks at the quality of the clientele. But then Gonzalez brings up all the girls Santanico made Richie kill and Carlos drops a bomb – Richie didn’t kill any of them other than the bank teller. Carlos, seeing Gonzalez’s confusion, tells him he’s no longer a Ranger and that killing the Geckos won’t satisfy him, not anymore. He’ll want more and more and nothing in this world is free and his price will be steep. How steep? You know, the cost of never seeing his family again. That just pisses Gonzalez off and he rears back with the sword, ready to stick it through Carlos’ chest (though, I wonder if that would kill him?) when he’s knocked aside by little vampire Scott.

It kind of sucked to see Scott as a vampire, even though his likelihood of dying was high from the start. He died in the movie, too, but when the audience cares about the character’s fate, that’s a good thing. I enjoyed this incarnation of Scott, and I’m looking forward to seeing him as  a vampire, even if it’s only briefly.

Scott frees Carlos, who picks up his sword and goes after Gonzalez again. This time the Ranger (or ex, I suppose) is able to knock the trap door open and fall down toward the juicer. Carlos assumes he’s dead (you know, because he’s died all the other times he should have) and this totally negates the smart character choices from earlier. I guess we give and take, right? Scott reports that Santanico chose Richie over Carlos.

Seth and company go on their little shopping spree in the store room. They find some fun toys and the stranger prepares to send them on their way. Kate tries to convince Jacob to bring the new guy along, but Jacob refuses. So Kate does it herself and tries to convince him to come along. He says the temple messes with your mind and he recounts a war story… yes, this is Frost, played by Fred Williamson in the movie. It’s a nice nod to the movie and the group leaves without him.

Naturally, the temple messes with Kate (probably for still trying to retain her humanity), calling out to her in her mother’s voice. She follows the sound to her parent’s bedroom where she watches her mom swallow a ton of pills. Suicide attempt? That’s a hellbound heart, then, and maybe that’s what Jacob was going to tell her earlier? Kate screams and Jacob pulls her back to vampire reality. She backs away from him and is swept up into a hole in the ceiling by a vampire.

Kate wakes up tied to an altar and several vampires come out of the darkness. Instead of biting her, though, they have a ritualistic looking dagger and are just about to sacrifice her when Seth, Jacob, and Tanner show up. They dispatch the vamps and rescue Kate, but then more vampires show up. Like, a lot of them and there’s no way they’re getting out of this, unless you’ve been paying attention. You guessed it, Frost shows up with a grenade and kills a bunch of the vampires. As he’s taken down by more vampires, he tells them there’s a passage behind the altar.

Richie’s bleeding out and still refuses to ask to be turned. He says he can’t leave Seth and Santanico actually says Seth can come with them. Richie tells her Seth wouldn’t hear of it, he has to be in charge and call the shots. Santanico explains that Richie is a prisoner in his relationship with Seth, the same as she’s a prisoner in hers. In his final moments, Richie wants to know what’ll happen to him and Santanico bites him.

Richie out.

What comes next is sure to be bloody. Only two episodes from the finales, everyone is set up to be gunning for everyone else. I just hope it doesn’t end in another Mexican stand off and they better start paying attention to some of the dumb shit going on. Of course, considering Gonzalez is part of some ancient bloodline, they’ll explain away his extraordinary ability to sword fight and throw stakes with amazing accuracy with that, cheesy as it is. But still, for all the good things going for this show, it only takes a few bad moments to ruin it for most viewers.