Movie Review: ‘THE LEGEND OF HERCULES’

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Renny Harlin has made movies…that’s the most I can say about his filmography, of which I can say I’ve seen about 90% of. At first a budding horror director, then soon after one of the more memorable action directors of the late 90’s with back-to-back, ultra-violent hits in Die Hard 2 and Cliffhanger. After the gigantic disaster of Cutthroat Island, Harlin was a punchline, and even after solid flicks like The Long Kiss Goodnight and Deep Blue Sea, he never reached the potential those first two hits held, and was relegated to crappy sequels and bad scripts. Well, I’m so happy to report that The Legend of Hercules finally realizes that potential!!!

Nah, just kidding. This flick is absolutely miserable.

Somewhere along the line, sword and sandal movies have had a resurgence.  First there was the all-style-no-substance of 300, and then there were countless others who went and did it better.  Most notably, Starz’s Spartacus series went from being excessively excessive in it’s first season to being legitimately one of the greatest things on TV by the end.  There was that shitty Conan remake, too.  And then there was Tarsem’s Immortals (also featuring Kellan Lutz), which I enjoyed way more than I had any right to.  The Legend of Hercules team saw all of these and decided to copy every single one of them — BUT, being they were a copy of a copy of a copy…results are faded.  Every beat  feels all too much like something else, be it Ridley Scott’s Gladiator battles, an almost identical story to Spartacus, or Tarsem’s super-heroic like abilities from Immortals.  The story, so tired and uninspired and edited down to less than 90 minutes, jumps spaces of time and creates no ability to believe or root for our hero as the people claim to.  But there is a much bigger issue…

The biggest mistake was casting a lead so incredibly dull and lifeless that even though his physical appearance and stunt abilities are spot-on with what one expects from Hercules, he makes everything boring.  Kellan Lutz looks like an Abercrombie model, with those frosted locks, those bleached white teeth, and this horrible spray tan.  He displays zero acting ability, zero charisma, and zero chemistry with neither the character nor his co-stars.  I’ve seen Kellan display more talent in the past than he does here, HBO’s Generation Kill being a highlight, and obviously he’s not going to get parts that AREN’T for hunky guys doing manly things, but he’s so impossibly bad that even his action hero prospects are murky at best.  His first line as Hercules: “Be careful, watch out for snakes in the trees” (or something close to that) cracked the audience up in a way that felt almost sad.  Not ten minutes later the audience again cracked up when he faces off against a comically horrible CG lion/wolf thing.  It was all downhill from here.  It doesn’t help one bit that a supporting character, Sotris,  is played by none other than Liam McIntyre who stepped in to take over the role of Spartacus on Starz when Andy Whitfield died of cancer after one season, and went on to completely own the role.  Liam is the best actor in the entire cast, and it’s painful to watch someone who has done this lead character amazingly well be sidelined while the beefcake next to him acts like a moron.

Let’s get to another big problem: PG-13.  Let’s get real here…kids don’t give a fuck about Hercules.  They didn’t give a fuck when Disney did him, they don’t give a fuck now, and even when The Rock plays Hercules for Brett Ratner later this year they probably still won’t give a fuck.  Renny Harlin had to trim Die Hard 2 and Cliffhanger for the MPAA due to some really graphic money shots, and while watching Hercules it was obvious there were supposed to be plenty here too.  Wouldn’t be surprised if an unrated cut hits video.  Bloodless combat has it’s places, but if there are sharp objects being used and people don’t bleed, I lose interest.  It’s not a blood lust (though I have that), it’s a cause and effect thing that just makes sense.  If someone is stabbed, there’s a 100% chance there will be blood…but not here.  In this magic film realm even a 3 foot long sword stabbed through an abdomen doesn’t protrude through the back of the victim.  Even worse?  Said victim CRASHES TO THE GROUND ON THE SWORD, and there is no blade.  There’s no blood either, but I think you already guessed that.  Another sequence has Hercules wielding massive stone blocks attached to chains on his wrist which he pummels soldiers with, and not only are their limbs and bodies not crushed and torn apart, their clothes and armor are seemingly unaffected.  What in the fuck is going on here?????

It’s not all awful, though.  Aside from McIntyre, Scott Adkins as the vicious King Amphitryon is always a presence on screen.  Is Adkins a great actor?  Not by any stretch; he has two emotions — angry and sad, both of which tinged with badassness.  He’s in over-acting angry mode this time, and even though Hercules has embraced the power of the gods and harnesses electricity as a whip to take down at least 50 soldiers, you don’t hire Scott Adkins to NOT do combat.  He gets to show off skills with multiple weapons and a little hand-to-hand combat, and being one of the best martial artists in film I’m always thrilled to see him on the big screen.  The other big plus is the 3D photography, which is used to add major depth in a lot of scenes, and manages to use some eye popping effects that dazzle.  Honestly, if you’re going to see this thing in the theater and waste some money, just waste a few more dollars and see it the way it was shot.  Or, y’know, don’t see it at all.  In any format.  For any reason.  Ever.