Movie Review: CRYING WOLF

[youtube url=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3f8mHvAS5pE”]

“Don’t go into the graveyard”

An ominous warning from the opening scene of Crying Wolf

Crying Wolf is the latest Horror-Comedy from UK director Tony Jopia (Deadtime, 2012). The story is told from the perspective of a character known only as “Private Detective” (played by Gary Martin who is best known in film for his work getting murdered by a tractor in 1986’s Slaughter High). The first thing that gets me is that Martin, a long-time voice over actor who you can hear in films like Neverending Story, Corpse Bride and Fern Gully (to say nothing of his collaborations with rock icons, Queen), appears to have dubbed his own dialog in Crying Wolf in an overly dramatic coffee commercial way. Something I immediately chalked up to an intentional touch of comedic irony. Because, why not. After Martin nearly comes to blows with a shopkeeper over his desire to purchase a book titled Crying Wolf, our frazzled detective settles down, pulls up a chair in the shop, and begins to narrate a story about a pack of Werewolves that reside in the sleepy little town of Deddington.

As you might have guessed, the trouble with Crying Wolf begins immediately as the film never really plays out like a movie, but more like a series of vignettes that feature flashbacks or back-story meant to support the plot. Sadly, just when I thought I was actually catching on to what might be a storyline, my clarity was hijacked by yet another first-person yarn. Random topless girls in the middle of a field? Check. A perverted Vicar with a penchant for chasing girls around in the woods (a lovely nod to Benny Hill, but Benny did it better), gangsters roaming through the woods, Marsellus Wallace’s suitcase (?), cheesy CGI that look like they were lifted from Who Framed Roger Rabbit or early 90’s video game? Check and check. You name the scenario, cliché or effect, and it probably made an appearance in a scene from Crying Wolf. The only bit of back-story that made any sense was the Little Red Riding Hood themed analogy that is used to tell the story of the top werewolf Milly (played by the beautiful actress Gabriela Hersham). Sadly, this only manages to further derail the film.

But what about the werewolves? While they are not truly believable for the most part, the costuming and special effects/makeup have their moments. According to Jopia, the effects and prosthetics used for the werewolves took seven hours to create, and there are many times in this film where that effort shows. There are also a fleeting highlights in Crying Wolf when it comes to the gore – like a few sweet beheadings and dismemberment by way of a chainsaw.

In textbook fashion, the last fifteen minutes play out like any other Ha-Ha horror film. You know, lots of weapons, blood and a big showdown. And I will say this, when we finally get to see the human to werewolf transitions en masse, it’s not half-bad. And I really must give serious props to the actors of Crying Wolf that got naked to ensure the integrity of werewolf folklore (or otherwise). It’s just too bad that a healthy serving of boobs and butts just can’t fix a film this disjointed. Unless of course you’re 14 and fast-forwarding through a flick, stopping only to gaze at all the nasty bits.

Just to be clear, I’m a huge fan of anything and everything that concerns a werewolf. I’ve even seen The Wolfman (with Benecio del Toro) at least three times. Now that’s love. As I always do when screening a film, I tried hard to like Crying Wolf. I just didn’t, and I think it’s a safe bet that you won’t either. On a positive note, director Tony Jopia has two other films in post right now that appear to hold some promise – Cute Little Buggers and Apocalypse. And despite my thumbs down on Crying Wolf, I’d still be willing to give dispatches from Jopia’s weird little world a whirl in the future.