HorrorFAIL: The Vomit Gore Trilogy (Conclusion)

Nick Peron finishes The Vomit Gore Trilogy this week.  Read on for his finale.  It sounds like he is ok, but at what costs.

For those who haven’t been paying attention I’ve been subjecting myself to Lucifer “Lucy” Valentine’s Vomit Gore Trilogy, which is a title that requires a spoiler alert. By this point I have watched the first two in the trilogy Slaughtered Vomit Dolls and reGOREgitated Sacrifice, both of which bored me to no end.

Ladies and gentlemen, here I stand in front of my television, it’s cheap Wal-Mart brand flat screen generating enough heat to warm my mostly naked body (I state this for any ladies reading, you’re welcome). In my hand is the last disc of the Vomit Gore Trilogy, with it’s crude crayon drawing of a grasshopper on the case. There are three things running through my mind right now before I plunge the disc into my DVD players eager little disc slot. I itemize them as such down below:

1.) I get the sneaking suspicion that despite the lovely crayon drawing, there will be no lovable cricket character telling people to “Give a Little Whistle” whilst puking their guts out and eviscerating hookers. I will have to remember this when I am marking this film.

2.) I can’t believe I bought this trilogy. However, on consideration I don’t have the time to meet Lucy’s vomit requirements to obtain free screeners of his movies.

3.) This had better be the Citizen Kane of vomit gore movies. At least, if it doesn’t want to be complete ravaged like it’s precursors.

Well… Here goes nothing…

Slow Torture Puke Chamber (2010)

First Impressions: One of the first things you are greeted with is a disclaimer read by actress Ameara Lavey, who plays Angela Abredeen in the Vomit Gore Trilogy. She goes on to tell everyone watching the movie that it is an “art project” that she was completely consenting and at no time was she forced to do everything. She also goes on to say that there is a disconnect between herself and the character she portrays.

I’m watching this, and I have to wonder — are there people who really think this is real? Seriously? Then, I remind myself that the internet is a wasteland of incredibly stupid people and of course it becomes a rhetorical question.

Apparently the going logic out there in lah-lah land of the average movie watcher must be: these people are puking for real, therefor they must really act like this in real life.

I have spent the past number of HorrorFAIL reviews trashing these movies, and I will say that their idea of an “art film” is about as liberal an interpretation as you can get — but I will defend them on their record of doing everything on the up and up. Lucy’s film as some of the most misogynistic, pointless pieces of crap I have ever seen, but such a venture like this could not possibly be done for real  and not getting into trouble with the law. It’s a work of fiction, plain and simple. This is something that is commercially sold on Amazon for crying out loud.

A movie big budget Hollywood movie plants all sorts of fine print, you know the usual stuff “The opinions expressed..”, or “None of the characters in this film bare any similarity to anyone living or dead..” and people glaze over and accept it as fact. But because this is series of movies where the plot revolves around vomiting bulimics who worship Satan all of a sudden you’re going to question if it’s a work of fiction? Seriously internet, go and suck on a tail pipe. That sort of collective stupidity makes me long for the days when the internet was too complicated for stupid people to figure out. But I digress.

Second Impression: Oh hey, a penis that is ejaculating blood. Well Lucy, looks like you’ve gone and done the vomit-gore version of jumping the shark, and within the first five minutes of your film… Let’s see where this is going to go folks.

Well, Third Time is a Vomit Splattered Charm:

So the movie is cycling through, and as it carries on I am finding myself in a strange position. I am actually being drawn into this film. It’s actually capturing my attention. With the last two, I was writing my review while the movies played in the background looking up to see if all the annoying film cuts or wall to wall vomiting had stopped at anytime. This time around, I am actually pausing the movie to write shit down for this review.

I know, I’m frightened too.

Here’s the thing I’m finding, at least the first 20 minutes into Slow Torture Puke Chamber: There is actually a story. While granted it’s being done as a voice over narrative while a hot, big breasted goth chick is puking up blood into shot glasses and drinking them — but God damn it, it’s THERE. A fucking story. Thank you, Lucifer Valentine, for at least providing us with this small mercy.

The story doesn’t really follow Angela Abredeen so much as it does the aforementioned top heavy goth chick. Again, th is is another supposed by-proxy narrative — likely due to the fact that Lavey wasn’t as easily accessible to reprise her role. The goth chick goes on and on, talking about how her family life was the typical stuff of the stereotypical abused woman: Friction with the parents because , well dad had a huge hard on for his daughter, his daughter didn’t feel loved, and mommy thought daughter was a whore. You know the usual bag of tricks. Of course as these things go she becomes a bulimic Satan worshiper who wants the guy she models for to beat her and hit her until there is nothing left. Oh, and let’s not forget she likes to vomit because it makes her feel good even though she knows it’s killing her. Because it’s the only logical course for her to remove the guilt and shame she felt because her dad was fucking her.

Too bad it’s all down hill from here, because the story takes a side line to the typical puking, vomiting, and pissing. I know what you’re thinking: What’s all that different? Well my pal Lucy ups the ante by having people peeing on other people, a few scenes of girls masturbating with a crucifix while puking on themselves, a crucifix rape scene, oh and a violent de-fetusing followed by the fat guy (from Slaughtered Vomit Dolls and reGOREgitated Sacrifice) fucking, eating, and puking on the baby (more on that later.)

And as much as I’d hate to spoil the ending for you (no I don’t) but it all ends with the hot goth chick admitting that all she wants is someone who actually loves her. I know what a shocker.

Editing: D-

After annoying the fuck out of me with the constant edits and jump cuts of his previous two offerings, Lucy thankfully tones down the constant jump cuts, weird camera angles, and other annoying editing tricks. I was a little shocked by the modesty, however Lucy does need some credit for finally learning a little bit about moderation. I figure he’ll finally have that “Less is More” aspect of film making figured out sometime around the year 2035, keep an eye out for the much anticipated Slaughtered Vomit Dolls: The Next Generation 2 – Tea and Crumpet Party, I am sure it’ll master this technique fully.

Those old Lucifer Valentine staples are there, the constant camera jitter, the constant cuts in the film. However, unlike his previous two offerings that pretty much do that for the entire course of the films, this one saves it for actual action scenes. Yeah, it’s kind of like a Michael Bay movie only it’s the cast that’s puking instead of the audience.

Story: C-

I have said in reviewing Lucy’s previous films that they lack story, and that once you remove the gore you could easily find much of the same from prowling around one of the shadier porn tube sites out there. What comes as a bit of a surprise to me is that the entire trilogy was supposedly a biographical following of the life of Amber Aberdeen. Which, unless you watch any of the supplement material or read anything about these films, you are completely oblivious to these facts.

Well shit, I knew she was a recurring character but her life story? Then why are we focusing almost entirely on this hot goth chick? Not that I’m complaining, because really when it comes to casting in his movies this is possibly the only choice that Lucy has made that I found visually appealing.

But hey, there is a story.. Even though it is an utter stereotype of the abused girl with a perchance to binge and purge who ends up repeating the cycle of abuse with every man she meets. It’s a tired stereotype, however it’s a nice change from the utter lack of story the previous two films had, even if it is focusing on the wrong character.

The only character development that Aberdeen goes through in this movie is she goes from puking to peeing in glass jars, buckets, and on herself. She advances so far as to let a man pee on her face. The movie doesn’t really focus on her a whole lot, however she does spend a good five minute chunk of the movie talking about how much she enjoys hanging herself for kicks. It is great to see that she is growing up and finding new hobbies.

Otherwise, there is not a whole lot of a story going on here, just the usual packaging you can expect from a Lucifer Valentine snore-fest.

Gore: F

Here’s a bit of a surprise. The utter lack of gore. Not that in and of itself is the lack of gore a bad thing. I am a less is more kind of guy. Lucy’s last two films were wall to wall gore shots, which made for a boring movie. This movie only really has one moment… Unless you count the scenes of people puking up blood… which I don’t.

It is possibly one of the most unconvincing and pathetic scenes of a baby being ripped from a womb I have ever seen in a movie with this sort of a budget. In this line of work, I see countless scenes where filmmakers want to be edgy by showing a man (usually a fat guy with a pair of sun-glasses and bad facial hair, just like in Slow Torture Puke Chamber) de-fetus a woman in full bloody graphic detail.

Sometimes, it’s supposed to be funny, but more often it’s supposed to be serious and the only things that make it a spectacle depending on two things: How good your budget it, in proportion to what you actually show.

Ol’ Lucy pulls out all the stops and goes for the “show it all” route.. Which works out just fine when buddy is stabbing away and cutting through guts and pulling shit out of the pregnant woman’s stomach… Until you see the baby.

Now, before I explain the baby, I have to reiterate the fact that his previous gore effects in Slaughtered Vomit Dolls and reGOREgitated Sacrifice were pretty impressive and pretty believable if not for either (a) poor editing or (b) ridiculous scenarios that completely ruin the believability of the moment.

So you would hope that they would deliver something impressive for an aborted fetus.

Unfortunately they don’t.

It’s a fucking doll.

Worse, they make no effort to hide it.

So when you see the fat dude attempting to rape, then eat and puke it up and eat and puke it up again… Well.. It’s all just really silly. I spent a good 15 minutes laughing non-stop watching how utterly bad it all looked. Some movies could have pulled off the store-bought-doll-as-a-fetus prop, but Lucy’s supposedly serious and gritty vomit gore movies do not.

It was so laughably bad, I almost peed myself like the female cast of this movie.

 

Locations: F

Another fat fucking F on this one. The majority of the scene in this movie are shot in (wait for it) various hotel rooms. Once again making for a boring change of scenery. However, I will have to say that it’s good to see that Lucy was able to upgrade and afford swankier digs then he did in Slaughtered Vomit Dolls, by upgrading from Red Roof Inns to possibly… Is that… Yeah, I think it’s a Marriot. Maybe a Hilton.

However, with hotel rooms comes the plastic sheets. Because the last thing you want to take a dent in your film making budget is having to cash in the damage deposit.

The plastic sheet thing is getting so ridiculous at this point. It gets laughable because we are even treated to scenes where a character is spreading a plastic sheet out on the carpet so she can pee on her face. Was this a shot we needed to establish?  Honestly, I can assume she placed the plastic sheet before the started peeing on herself, really. It’s no leap of the imagination here.

Also why are you putting in all the effort when you could have her do that in the bath tub without worrying about the mess? I mean, she did that for the vomit scene earlier, why the need to change it up?

Slow Torture Puke Chamber: F-

So when you hear the above phrase “Slow Torture Puke Chamber” you probably are picturing the same thing I am: Some elaborate torture device that would make Jigsaw from the Saw movies proud…. Well proud-ish, I don’t know what he’d have to say about all the puking. But you know, something that spins you ’round (right round like a record baby) while flashing strobe lights and shaking you up. Maybe you’re being force fed spoiled ham down a troff with Mountain Dew while being forced to read in a moving vehicle on a bumpy road.

Well folks, get ready to be disappointed, because the Slow Torture Puke Chamber in Slow Torture Puke Chamber is nothing more than a basement with plastic sheets on the floor and a blender.

 

That. Is. It.

I don’t have to say anything more.

Final Grade: D

I have to say that with all of the Vomit Gore movies this one has to be the most tolerable of them all. Because, finally, Lucy drifts away from his hacky “This is an art film” notions of just filming people puking, and actually putting cohesive story telling methods into the film.

However, even with this merciful return to traditional film making methodology, it still lacks any sort of redeeming quality. Because it focuses entirely on Mr. Valentine’s fetish. The almost one track focus on the “shock value” of said fetish, wherein the narrative focuses on the acts instead of the characters in the film makes this this films biggest disappointments.

Okay, your movie is called Slow Torture Puke Chamber, so it’s not like I’m expecting Casablanca here, but for the love of puke man, can we do something a little more here? This is essentially the same as your previous two movies only the window dressing is different and the hotels are classier.

In Summation: The Vomit Gore Trilogy Big-Fat-FUCKING-Fail

The intent of the Vomit Gore Trilogy was to be a shocking, art project/horror movie that utterly failed in accomplishing anything more than being utterly fucking annoying. That’s all this is. It is a trilogy of films that poorly attempt to shock it’s audience for six straight hours. I did it, it’s a fucking cake walk. Anyone can do it. What this is, is pure and pointless exploitation.

I just wanted to take a moment to touch on just some of my feelings about the trilogy in a whole.

On Genre Calling:

Whatever sort of “art” they’re talking about, I can’t see it. This is flat out pornography. Which, as I mentioned earlier isn’t a bad thing if that’s what you’re trying to sell it as.

You call this a horror film, you call it an art project. All I see is an obsessed focus on your fetish with vomiting. Lucifer Valentine tries to pass off “shock” for the sake of taking what turns him on and making it cinematic reality. Reading his interviews on the internet, I can see that there is a central focus on his fetish and that he loves causing people to vomit as a sexual act. He comments how all of his actors are aware and are comfortable with his lifestyle and hence why they made the film with him.

Mr. Valentine likes “open minded” individuals and finds negative reviews laughable because they are close minded.  Which to me cries out to the fact that underneath the desire to shock people who are more conservatively minded than he is and rattle the cages of people with different ideas of taste, he secretly hopes that the audience gets turned on as well.

Sorry, but if your sporting a gigantic boner while making your vomit fetish horror movie thing, and your hoping other people get off on it — yeah, you’re making porn.

Which is fine. I love porn, and I am not the kind of person who is going to judge you based on what turns you on as long as it involves consenting adults.  When it comes to porn, I am the most liberally minded guy on the subject, whatever floats your boat. Judge not what is streaming on your fellow man’s web browser lest yet let others look upon your own in judgement and all that.

What I have a problem, is the fact that Mr. Valentine is trying to sell this movie for something that it’s not. It’s not a horror movie. It’s not an art film either.

While he’ll probably have a rebuttal about not wanting to label his films with any sort of genre, and that doing such was purely for marketing your film to an audience — that’s just it: You’re marketing it to an audience as something. I don’t give a shit what sort of airy-fairy ethics or bullshit nihilistic ideals you have about film making as a medium. At the end of the day, either you’re a complete ass for labeling your film as something it’s not, or you’re a hypocrite given your supposed loftier ideals yet pushing it as a genre that it has only a vague connection to.

Calling this a horror movie is like taking zombie porn and marketing it as pure horror film. Yes, it has horror elements. There is blood. There is gore. There is violent killings and graphic deaths. But the whole context of such acts are for the purposes of arousal — if only for the director and his small audience range — not to create fright.

To be kind, I would accept if it billed itself as an exploitation film if it was billed as such.

On Story Telling:

These movies are an insult to shocking and controversial films done for artistic merit. You want to know why? Because any sort of story telling, no matter how cryptic or unnecessary for the purpose of the film are obliterated because you fail to establish anything. If I get a better idea of the film by listening to your directors commentary and reading the back of the box instead of figuring it out on my own, then you’ve failed as a film maker. Without the benefit of Mr. Valentine’s explanations, these films could just be considered non-sense that was slapped together with no semblance or rationale.

Each movie was essentially the same damn plot. Kind of like the Back to the Future trilogy. All three movies are exactly the same damn plot only with minor changes. However, there is a big difference (other than the obvious nudity, gore, and puking aspects. Also I think the Vomit Gore Trilogy could have been more entertaining if they had time travel) and that’s that despite the fact of being the same fucking plot three times over, the Back to the Future trilogy actually had THREE different stories. They had perspective, character development, and at the end of the day the characters had gone through a fundamental change in their lives. The Vomit Gore Trilogy only provides a stereotype as a backdrop to senseless exploitation and leaves the characters with no forward development — unless you count pissing on yourself for fun as character development.

Which, I’m sorry, but if you want to be a film maker, the characters have to go through an evolution or some kind of change. And I have to say that if your fundamental change is covering your actress in various bodily fluids — that’s porn. Porn movies end exactly how they begin, there is no progression other than arousal, and climax and repetition. Which is exactly what the Vomit Gore Trilogy is.

The fact that the whole idea of Angela Abredeen’s suicide and descent into Hell (I guess) and doing Satan’s business (which, as previously established involves peeing and puking on yourself in a hotel room) is trilogy length because it’s padded out by all the exploitative vomit sex.

Exploitation and Shock for the Sake Therefor of:

There is the problem. The whole point of this trilogy is to shock, but it’s also for the sake of arousal, to whom it doesn’t really matter. I would say that the Vomit Gore Trilogy is the cinematic equivalent to an ugly man openly masturbating in public. The guy’s doing it to shock people for two reasons (1) It arouses him and (2) he (usually in futility) hopes that someone seeing him doing this will be turned on.

I’m not being a squeamish snob here who won’t see great things in offensive movies. I’ve seen almost every Troma movie. I love the original I Spit on Your Grave which in my opinion is one of the most powerful films ever made. I adore the works of schlocky film makers that inject exploitation around their plots.

Here’s a guy I’ll use as a huge example: Bill Zebub. Bill, for those of you who don’t know has made such epics as The Most Offensive Comedy Ever Made, I’m Sorry For Raping You, and at the time of this writing is working on a film called Ant Farm Dickhole. One of the first films I have ever seen of his was called Ravage The Scream Queen. Sit the fuck down class and take some notes, because this movie shows you how to do some good exploitation. The premise to the film is about two guys who find a DVD of a serial rapist and killer who would lure women to his home on the auspices that they were making a horror movie. He would then torture, rape and murder them. These two guys decide to imitate this guy in the hopes of getting laid, getting back at women who wronged them, and then pegging it on the previous killer. It doesn’t end well.

While the subject of rape is not one I glorify, and this film is choked full of it — Bill not only develops these characters, but explores the moralistic conundrums when brining yourself to doing something that society as a whole considers vile and dispersible. It’s a shocking film that takes into consideration the motivations of the characters. There is an evolution and an ultimate conclusion of the characters journey into going from the odd-man-out and becoming vindictive rapists.

Here’s another one for you: A Serbian Film. Possibly one of the best films I have seen in the year 2010. If you haven’t seen it go out and see it. Not the pussified heavily edited American version that is being hawked on home video. Get the UNCUT version god damn it. Here is another movie that is chocked full of shocking imagery. Including new born rape, women being decapitated while being raped, and guys being forced to rape their own family. Not a pretty fucking movie. However there is a commentary here, and a subtext. The entire film is a metaphor for the socio-political climate in Serbia over the past few decades. It develops the main characters. You care about these people and that in and of itself makes what grisly things they do even more shocking.

Shocking images without any sort of context, subtext, or character development. Some deeper meaning. Something that will make me think about what is happening on screen, reconstruct and analyze it, in other words entertain me!!

Lucifer Valentine work on the VOMIT GORE TRILOGY is a HACK as a filmmaking because his films because he has aimed at SHOCKING PEOPLE ONLY. Not ONCE do ANY of his films compel the viewer to THINK about what they are seeing. Valentine offers NOTHING NEW, as anything in his movies can be EASILY found on the INTERNET. While it serves to shock John Q Public, it lacks INNOVATION.

Call it an art film all you want, it’s not. Shocking art usually has a meaning to it. This… This is just trying to shock people and evoke a reaction for shocks sake or to arouse people. Then he wonders why people think it’s real and he has to slap disclaimers all over it. Why? Because it’s not engaging people to think. It’s just splaying perversion across the screen with no discernible rhyme or reason. So it’s turning into a brainless vacuum where it attracts idiots who are dumb enough to warrant the need of said disclaimers. Meanwhile, people who are legitimate film lovers, look at this and are puzzled at just what the fuck you were thinking when you essentially wasted my time with a six hour porn marathon. It’s not even the good kind of porn, it’s just annoying.

The sad thing about all this is that reading all this, Lucifer Valentine is a very intelligent guy. Very well read, and I find what he has to say to be quite interesting. Which, for me, as someone who likes to think that between laughing at fart jokes and getting blind stinking drunk on weekends that I am a bit of an intellectual. The fact that you have to look at supplementary material in order to understand what his films are about is disappointing. It defeats the purpose of watching a movie — as most people who are going to watch this, aren’t going to get themselves indoctrinated in the gospel according to Lucifer Valentine before popping his movies into their DVD players.

Suspected Dubious Intent:

However, here’s the other thing that dwells on my mind: I wonder if this is not just some huge brilliant con-job. Take a look at the man who is Lucifer Valentine.

Before the Vomit Gore Trilogy had anyone ever heard of him? His entire life is purposely shrouded in mystery, and some of his claims are — dubious to me. I’m wondering if the guy didn’t just slap this all together so that cynical movie reviewers such as myself try to peel back and make sense out of what in reality is a really brilliant mind fuck.

I suspect as such. Just doing research (I’m doing  fucking research on a guy who calls himself Lucifer Valentine with a straight god-damn face) there are little things I pick up here and there from his old interviews that make me think that at the end of the day, he’s done all this to see what sort of bees nest he can stir up and up the ante each time to retain his marking in the the consciousness of the obscure film goer. However much of his divulged past is true or not, how much reality there is behind his Vomit Gore Trilogy, he has created a name on shock value alone.

A film maker and accomplished writer friend of mine said “I struggle to make a living with my films and books but this guy is making a mint on torture porn.” Which to some circles, like myself, would consider that sort of success the work of a hack. A carnival barker. A P.T. Barnum.. Which is an interesting analogy for me to make and it’s a foreshadow (note to Mr. Valentine: something you might want to add into your next film) the end of my review.

I think there is a certain degree of bull shit about what he “couldn’t” do. I cite an interview from October 2009 with Punk Globe where he said that his lawyer advised him to cut a scene from Slaughtered Vomit Dolls involving a bathtub, and as a joke he taped a pair of scissors to the wall because he knew it would be cut from the final print. And what a surprise: In the final scene of Slow Torture Puke Chamber, not only does Lucifer include this supposedly cut scene, but also has another actress recreate it. It’s essentially a girl masturbating with a crucifix while puking on herself.

If this was something his lawyer cautioned him against in 2006 when he released Slaughtered Vomit Dolls, why would it all of a sudden be all good to toss into Slow Torture Puke Chamber in 2010? I don’t really see what could have changed to make that more socially acceptable. Plus, minus the vomiting part, girls penetrating themselves with crucifixes? Talk about old hat, that was shocking back the first time such an act was put to film. You know back in 1973 in the Exorcist. However, unlike Lucifer Valentine, William Friedkin was able to put such a shocking scene in his movie without showing it in painstaking detail. Which I think not showing any actual penetration is shocking enough.

But that’s just it, I call bullshit here, because he’s been planting all these little things in interviews and with each release after Slaughtered Vomit Dolls, those so called taboo lines he was advised not to cross were suddenly crossed in later films. Which, is a lot of manufacturing for films that were supposedly done without any sort of scripting in mind.

So, I’ll tell you what, even after I have lambasted these movies over the past three reviews, I won’t tell you not to watch them. There is something I have learned about the internet over the years. Even if someone posts a link and says “Whatever you do, don’t click this link” whoever reading is going to spit in defiance and do it anyway. I know I did, and I was introduced to the wonderful world of eel in anus porn.

This unfortunately is something that has likely fueled Lucifer Valentines trilogy. People hearing about how awful his movies are and still pay the price of admission. Which leads to Lucy’s most well earned grade:

Proving that Suckers Are Born Everyday (Especially on the Internet): A+

The money spent by people to see these movies have helped him get it out there and sell it. However, while one could pan him for this, I would like to point the fact that the shock and fan-fare generated by the Vomit Gore Trilogy has likely gone into financing his next film, which is titled Black Metal Veins. Which, is apparently a documentary following a bunch of Norwegian heroin addicts.

Which…. In all honesty, actually sounds like  an interesting film to watch, provided he doesn’t devolve into the pathetic shock value theatrics that he resorted to with the Vomit Gore Trilogy.

I am still on the fence on if I think that Lucifer Valentine is a complete hack, or possibly a brilliant artist (Kind of like a Satanic film making Banksy) we’ll have to see how his next work turns out.

 

FINAL WORD ON THE VOMIT GORE TRILOGY:

THE ENTIRE SERIES IS THE CINEMATIC EQUIVALENT OF A VERSION OF THE ARISTOCRATS JOKE. ONLY IT’S POORLY DELIVERED AND THEY FORGOT THE PUNCH LINE.