[Yuletide Terrors] Day 15: ELVES

Throughout the month of December, we will be highlighting a film a day that has some tie into the holiday somehow. Some titles will be obvious, others won’t be. Some films will be good and, again, others won’t be. However, we think all titles are worth your time whether to give you chills inside your home or to make you drink more eggnog until you puke laughing.

Kirsten (Julie Austin) and her two friends meet in the woods for the inaugural meeting of the Sisters of Anti-Christmas. The holiday is over commercialized and insincere, plus they got lame gifts last year and it doesn’t look like it’ll snow this year. As far as real problems, Kirsten’s home life is a mess. Her dad is dead, her mom (Deanna Lund) hates her with a fiery passion, little brother is a pervert and Grandpa might be a Nazi. And then there’s Mike (Dan Haggerty), a chain smoking ex-cop on hard times. He’s Santa at the same department store [mall?] where Kirsten also works. Mike got the gig because the previous Santa died. How did he die? Stabbed in the crotch multiple times by a 2 foot tall Elf that’s also trying to mate with Kirsten.

Let’s get this out of the way, the movie is called Elves yet there is only an Elf. One Elf. An Elf that looks like a greased up pig with fangs. You are not ready for this movie. I’m not sure if the original design is what ended up on screen. Deanna Lund’s character is an awful, awful person. Considering her heritage I shouldn’t be surprised. Dan Haggerty is a hoot. Grizzly Adams spends the majority of the running time smoking.  I think the movie takes place in a department store, it could be a mall. A mall with only a department store and restaurant? Maybe.The dialogue comes out of left field, shootouts in the Sporting Goods department, and some silly deaths.

The overall weirdness of this movie isn’t surprising considering the source. Elves was produced and released by Action International Pictures (AIP), an independent company founded by David Winters, David A. Prior and Peter Yuval for the purpose of having complete control over their own films. AIP is synonymous for putting out cheap, bottom of the barrel action movies such as Deadly Prey and Space Mutiny. I have a sick fascination with their movies. I think I own about ten of their titles. It’s hard to keep track of. If I see their logo on a movie, I buy it. Elves was released on video cassette in 1990. It has yet to debut on a digital format.

If you’re afraid of guests nodding off at your Christmas party, play this movie. They’ll thank you later.