F*ck The Figgy Pudding – Holiday Gifts For The Horror Loving Metalheads In Your Life

The horrorfiling cool owner of Destroy the Brain has been kind enough to give me carte blanche when it comes to what gets featured for the Coffin Couture column. Which is great, since I’ve got lots of scary and metal things to share with you. But this week is sort of special since I’m sharing my 2013 Christmas Wish List with you. But not because I’m hoping for the handmade sterling silver Devil Horn necklace above to show up under my tree yes I am,  but because I’m thinking many of you will be making last minute revisions to your lists because you had no idea there was such a thing as sterling silver devil horns that only Dio could love more than you.

The one above includes some snazzy black diamonds on the fingertips (nice). But Ark Design Studios also makes a smaller one, sans diamonds for $299.

 

Next up, Slayer leggings. While you can still spell Christmas without all the letters in Slayer, the blood-red color in these official Slayer Leggings ($40) is pretty festive. If you can still find the courage to walk into Hot Topic, you can get them for about 1/2 the price.

And what about the horror movie freak in your life? Well, I’m quite sure that any ghoulie guy or girl would dig one of the heavy metal mash-up tees from Cinefile. In addition to the excellent Herzog/Danzig combo above, Cinefile paired some of your other favorite directors with bands like Iron Maiden and Judas Priest. If you’re in Seattle, you can pick one up at the greatest video store in the world, Scarecrow Video.

Just like t-shirts and metal, two great things that also go great together are horror soundtracks and vinyl. Just last month, Mondo released John Carpenter’s original soundtrack to Halloween. Random copies of the gatefold 180 gram editions had the record pressed onto orange vinyl. And it doesn’t get any better than that. Except for the sweet Halloween-themed turntable slip-covers that Mondo also dreamed up to celebrate the record’s release.

Speaking of dreaming, some girls might fall asleep wishing to find that a coveted Tiffany’s “little blue box” in their stocking. Me? I’m dreaming of this sterling silver boomstick charm and ball chain, arriving in a little black box. You can find this demented trinket on UK designer William Whites’ Esty page. $90.

I’ve been collecting themed Monopoly games for about 20 years. And without question, this Walking Dead Monopoly Edition will be joining the ranks of my collection. The only thing cooler than the properties on the game board, like the prison cell-blocks, Downtown Woodbury, and Rick’s old neighborhood, are the game pieces.

If you read this column, you know I love to troll Etsy for heavy metal artifacts that I can adorn myself with, or my equally metal pad (my bathroom is decorated with photos of dead rock stars; enough said). Etsy-er Melt Dawn Candles make these tough hand-poured candles, each with a different band name like the Pantera one above. The candles vary in size, and have a pretty metal range of bands. $25-$30+ bucks (ships from Greece).

If there is something more metal than a Lemmy Kilmister nutcracker, I’ve never seen it. Points for nostalgia go to Etsy metalhead Samurai White, who hails from my hometown of Somerville, Massachusetts. Nutcracker Lemmy will run you $60, as well as wooden Dee Snider, if you roll that way. Samurai White will also do a custom headbanging Nutcracker for $50. All these metal nutcrackers are missing is the ability to band out a shreddy version of the Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies. Maybe next year.

Many metal bands have been cranking out highly coveted Christmas sweaters on a yearly basis. But if you ask me, Shredders Knit Apparel has got the market cornered when it comes to the most metal sweaters that will easily piss off your least favorite Aunt. Above, we have one of Shredders’ not-safe-for-church sweaters, featuring the favorite son of Aleister Crowley’s cosmology of Thelema, Baphomet. Who is pictured chilling out cross-legged, surrounded by pentagrams on the most evil sweater ever knitted by Satan. $80. The price of truly and proudly being the blackest sheep in the family? Priceless.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t include something heavy metal to wrap up for one of the eight crazy days of Hanukkah. Sadly, this completely awesome Anthrax Hanukkah sweater does not actually exist (Shredders, please take notice!). Thankfully, you can still kick out the Hanukkah jams with your Bubula thanks to Hanukkah Gone Metal, a Hanukkah themed music compilation from New York based mythological rockers, Gods of Fire.

All this post is missing is my address, and the salutation “Dear Santa, I’ve been very, very bad this year…” Now get out there, and be metal (and merry!) Happy Holidays!