Fiendish Accessories And Products For All You Spring Creeps!

Hey there, all you zombies! Though there might still be snow on the ground where you are (my condolences), the calendar does not lie; Spring has arrived. In honor of the changing seasons, I put together a little shopping guide to help you resuscitate your long-ailing wardrobe, as well as a few grim beauty products that all you ghouls will love.

Leather clutch, $160.

First up is this insane clutch (above) that looks like something from the closet of an elite resident of Thunderdome. Made by hand in Russia, this intimidating leather accessory comes to you courtesy of Etsy-ers, Family Skinners. Yikes. There’s even a few badass mens pieces, like this wallet, that is much tougher looking than the worn out thing you’re currently carrying around.

Bloody Cleaver clutch, $24.99.

According to the description for this faux-leather Cleaver Clutch, it doesn’t only hold your ID and credit cards, but it claims to have the ability to “ward off undesired creeps.” I’m sold.

Frankenstein cufflinks, $699.

I always try to include a few tips for the guys in this column, so in addition to the sick wallet I mentioned earlier, I dug up these incredible Frankenstein cufflinks. Now I know you might think the idea of cufflinks is dated but listen up dudes – ladies love a sharp man. Wearing nice shoes will get you noticed. Sporting a cool jacket that isn’t two sizes too big for you won’t hurt either. Frankenstein cufflinks will most assuredly get you laid. These hand-forged Sterling Silver and 10 Karat Yellow Gold cufflinks, from one of my current jewelry obsessions MAVA Style in Canada, are just the thing you never thought you needed. Sure being the coolest guy in the room will cost you lots of coin, but you never heard Sinatra complain about being lonely, did you?

Of course if you’re not rolling around in a pile of money you don’t know what to do with, I’m pretty sure these Eraserhead cufflinks and tie clip would also help you start a conversation with the right kind of person. You know, the kind of person whom you could talk to about films like Eraserhead.

Frankenstein and his Bride hair brushes. $85.

I’m a sucker for anything old-school monster, and these “His and Her” Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein hair brushes by Etsy-er’s GypsyPeaMagoo are beyond cool. Like my classy cufflinks throwback earlier, I love the idea of a guy brushing his hair with this oval style brush that is a historical nod to mens military style implements. And just like you and your significant other, no two are alike.

The Shining Maze pendant necklace.

Next up is an extraordinary piece of jewelry inspired by the maze that tripped up Jack Torrance in The Shining, by designer Malak Atut. Believe it or not, the intricate 18K gold pendant contains five carats of ethically mined Zambian emeralds, and one floating diamond that can be moved into the center of the maze. As I’ve said many times in this monthly column, you should never underestimate the influence that horror films have over the world of fashion. As far as updating your wardrobe with this spendy puzzle, forget it. What you should do is find a statement necklace like it immediately, and trick it out yourself.

The Shining smartphone case by Society 6. $35.

Speaking of The Shining, give your smart phone a facelift with this sweet case by Society 6. Unlike Jack’s unfortunate victims in the film, this case is impact resistant.

Bloodbath Bubble Bath, $12.99.

Blood red vegan bubble bath anyone? If you just raised your hand, then you’re in luck thanks to Bubble Genius in LA. Bubble Genius’ “Bloodbath” Bubble Bath will bring out your inner Lady Bathory like the real thing without all the fuss of killing a bunch of virgins. The pomegranate scent will help you wave bye-bye to the last of that holiday scented stuff you got a few months ago. Talk about genius.

Assorted soaps with creepy names, $4-$5.

Lastly, as I’m kind of a soap addict, I had to share these horrifyingly witty soaps by Etsy shop, Sucreabeille. Shop owner Caroline Blicq hails from my hometown of Seattle and is self-professed fan of all things horror. Handmade from scratch, these soaps just kill me over and over again like Jason Voorhees at summer camp every year. Thankfully, all theses soaps will really do is make you smell good, if not a tad bit earthy.

I hope you enjoyed this months Coffin Couture as much as I did writing it! Hopefully it gives you a few ideas of how to snap yourself out this awful winter spell most of us have been under this year. Because nothing says “Spring is here!”, like a warm, relaxing bloodbath, right?