‘Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)’ Physical Media Shootout! Which Edition is the Best?
Hooray for Santy Claus!
You read that headline correctly. Like Plan 9 From Outer Space, Samurai Cop, and The Room, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a movie so bad that it’s actually GOOD. Cheap costumes and sets, terrible acting, stock footage, stupid script, Pia Zadora, Whammo air blasters, Santa talking about where his finger as been, this holiday cult favorite has it all. For most, the best edition to own is no edition at all. Those that think it’s so bad that it’s bad, there are options here for you as well. I watch Santa Claus Conquers the Martians annually to put me in the Christmas spirit, and I know there are others out there like myself. Most of what’s been made available for your viewing pleasure is pretty awful. I’m here to show you what I got and what’s (not) worth your time.
Public Domain DVDs
I’m gonna start with the worst of the worst. These 2 DVDs are not mine, but ones I dug from my Dad’s collection. I remember his excitement when finding the Catcom release on the DVD rack at Value City for probably $2 or $3. The thing with Public Domain movies released on DVD in the late 90s and early 2000s, they almost always looked like garbage. It’s easy to understand why they were so inexpensive. These 2 releases I have here are sourced from the most abused prints I have ever seen on any form of physical media in my life. Even the opening of the Catcom release is missing about 20 seconds of footage due to print damage, removing the actual title card! It also doesn’t help that they were likely transferred with the most primitive equipment. The only positive, if you’re looking to watch this movie with a Grindhouse-ish charm, then maybe this might be for you.
VHS
I was prepared for an abomination before hitting play on this VHS. Public Domain movie that has never looked great on a low resolution format? Oh man, how bad will this be? Will the screen catch on fire? Will like, my VCR explode? I saw how bad those DVDs looked. How could it possibly look any worse? Well, I got to say, this actually looks rather decent. Far better than those DVDs, that’s for sure. But there is one major problem. The back of the box of this VHS lists a running time of only 55 minutes. Blasphemy. This can’t be right. That’s not even feature length. The full run time is supposed to be 80 minutes. I thought it was simply an error, but my stop watch says otherwise. This truncated version of the film was likely used for syndicated television viewings and was butchered to fill a 1 hour or a 1 hour and 30 minute time slot with commercials. The editing is so atrocious that many scenes no longer make sense. This could have been the only print HVS had access to, so they just went with it without any questions asked.
Rare Exports
While the previous 2 DVDs I talked about offer the most abused prints I have ever seen on any form of physical media in my life, this Blu-ray release of the movie Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010) offers one of the weirdest special features I have ever seen on any form of physical media in my life. On the Extras page you will find the full length feature of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. When clicked, a message pops up that reads:
“For your additional holiday viewing pleasure, we’ve dug into the Oscilloscope vault to bring you Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, a 1964 science fiction cult classic featuring martians kidnapping Santa, and an 8-year-old Pia Zadora (in her first film role) playing a character named “Girmar”. If those aren’t enough reasons to hit “play” and continue the holiday cheer, then you haven’t had enough eggnog”.
When they say “we’ve dug into the Oscilloscope vault”, what they really mean is “we found the DVD at Value City for $2 or $3 and ripped it. We can get away with it because it’s Public Domain.” Sure, the quality is no better than the budget DVDs, but at least you get the fantastic and highly recommended Rare Exports along with it.
Great Alternatives
I think many will find these options to be better than just the bare movie itself. Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Essentials is a must and my top pick from these 3. The Santa Claus Conquers the Martians episode originally aired on December 21st, 1991, and it is my absolute favorite in the series. A solid riff with many quotable zingers and festive cut segments to brighten your holiday cheer. The “Patrick Swayze Christmas” song segment is particularly memorable. The DVD also comes with the Manos: The Hands of Fate episode (another fan favorite) and a bonus DVD titled Shorts Vol. 3 (if you’re lucky). The episode can also be found of the DVD titled Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Singles Collection and comes with 5 other fan favorite episodes.
In Rifftrax Live! Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, and Kevin Murphy of Mystery Science Theater 3000 riff the film in front of a live audience. This took place at the Belcourt Theater in Nashville, Tennessee on December 5th, 2013. It also aired via satellite in a limited number of theaters. We’re treated (or mistreated) to a riff of the holiday short Santa and the Fairy Snow Queen (1951) before the main feature. A lot of solid laughs here and creative audience members dressed as characters from the movie. It would appear that this DVD is now out of print but this event in its entirety can still be viewed at Rifftrax … for a price. Elvira’s Movie Macabre offers amusing and jolly host segments with Elvira popping up on screen during the feature to add some zing. This DVD is doubled up with Beast from Haunted Cave (1959), an awful and boring film saved by Elvira’s goofy commentary.
Please note that the full movie without the host segments is not an option on these discs.
A tie?
If you want the movie in the best presentation available, go with the Kino Lorber Blu-ray from 2012 (on the left). It is above and beyond the best I’ve seen and trounces over everything else on this list. For starters, the print used here is surprisingly intact with no obvious missing frames or any kind of jump cut nonsense. There is a noticeable uptick in clarity and colors are bright and really stand out. It’s still definitely far from perfect. There’s plenty of dirt, scratches, black & white specks, and pops in the soundtrack. This appears to be an “as is” transfer without a whole lot of clean up or tinkering. For what it is however, it’s a surprisingly good and healthy looking presentation. It would appear that this release in now out of print and fetches high prices which is unfortunate. Those still interested, avoid Blu-rays with the same artwork labeled “Special Edition” on the bottom, for they use a heavily truncated 69 minute version of the film.
Why a tie with the new AGFA Blu-ray? This Blu-ray showcase sacrifices picture quality in favor of fun factor. The original movie is absent on this release and in its place contains a “Roadshow” cut. This edit runs 7 minutes longer. These extensions include trailers, holiday theater advertisements, and an intermission WITH A MESSAGE FROM ACTOR GENE HACKMAN! There is also a retro “Coming Attractions” insert in the pre-show with a logo from Wehrenberg Theaters (a chain I used to work for) for you fellow St. Louisans. The quality is a distinguishable downgrade when compared to the Kino version, with muted coloring and way more print damage. But this viewing experience is a blast and enough for me to say that I think a true fan would own both!
One More Thing
Every copy I’ve looked at of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians appears to be sourced from a 16mm print in a 1:33:1 or 1:37:1 full frame aspect ratio. These sourced prints were likely used for various TV broadcasts. Since the movie is Public Domain I tried searching online for any 35mm presentation in a 1:85:1 aspect ratio online, but to no avail. These prints I’m sure are extremely rare and probably in horrendous shape. It’s too bad the Kino release is out of print, but I’m certain we will see a new release some day. I have attached below an okay “4K Remaster” I found on YouTube for your enjoyment.
Joshua Lightfoot
Movie lover. Physical media collector. Former projectionist.
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