Introducing CATS OF HORROR

Every year, October marks the beginning of an event dubbed, by some, 31 DAYS OF HORROR (or 31 DAYS OF HALLOWEEN) in which 31 horror films are watched throughout the month. I, Christopher Lee Melkus, have attempted this each repeatedly since 2008 and have yet to succeed in watching a complete 31 horror films. In the past, I had the excuse of the barrier of accessibility. But as of 2018, I have no such excuse whatsoever: the combined might of Amazon Prime Video, VUDU, HBO NOW, Netflix and (most importantly) premium horror film streaming service Shudder have removed the barrier of accessibility for me and those who can afford those streaming services (you can skip Netflix, honestly).

Knowing ahead of time that I was doomed to fail again this year (I’m already 8 films behind) I struck upon an idea, inspired by the viral Twitter account “dog_rates”. With this column, CATS OF HORROR, I’ll be watching horror films in search of cats, then documenting the appearances of any cats in these films. I’ll also be providing a brief, entirely unobjective overview of my feelings about each film.

FUNERAL HOME

Funeral Home is a Canadian PG-13 thriller dressed up like an American horror flick. It starts of strong with a lot of the best cliches a horror film can offer: goofy hicks, bumbling cops, big ol’ creepy house, suspicious old ladies, a storm, eerie voices coming from the basement, etc. But most importantly, there’s a perfect specimen of Felis Catus who makes its presence known wonderfully at the start of the film and provides a heaping helping of charm. But unlike other horror films, this cat, whose real name is Mitten, is actually a tertiary character! Mitten makes five appearances through the film, sometimes leading characters to their doom or just stealing whatever random scene they decided to stick Mitten in. And it’s a good thing Mitten is used so often because as the film’s very basic plot unfolds, it loses steam as it stumbles through so many horror film cliches, including one of the worst: an intellectually disabled porter who the film sets up as a suspect.

Funeral Home isn’t a terrible film by any means, but a somewhat similar film came out in 1980, by the name of Motel Hell, and it’s so much more fun than this one is. Though while Motel Hell was sort of emulating Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Funeral Home is emulating Psycho, the former is so much better at it than the latter.

But anyway, Mitten is amazing in Funeral Home! Definitely a natural performer, Mitten manages to be both charming but also foreboding in equal measures, thanks to their generous fluff and athletic physique. For the first Cat of Horror I’ve encountered, Mitten sets a huge bar; so much so that the film’s final frame is Mitten’s face!

Available on Shudder

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MAUSOLEUM

Mausoleum is a pretty dumb movie, even for the era it came out in, but it’s also admittedly entertaining. There’s one racist caricature that’s straight up offensive, even to a dude as white as me. There’s also plenty of nudity. The film’s story works by mashing up The Exorcist and The Evil Dead with a main character more than vaguely resembling Dr Loomis, but the editing is a bit of a mess. There’s some pretty inventive gore and some amusing deaths, fun special FX and the film really layers on the atmosphere and mood. Overall, it’s a fun horror flick that is nearly hamstrung by how stupid it is. The final stinger did make it obvious how cheeky the whole thing was intended to be, but it didn’t stop me from rolling my eyes throughout.

But it has a cat! I was really worried for a while but thankfully, near the film’s climax, an unnamed cat, of the best (black) variety, is happened upon by the Loomis wannabe. The cat, ever a stand in for the audience, delivers a fierce yowl and leaps away. Not nearly enough screen time but in the fame long enough for me to know that I love this perfect cat and its amazing performance in a film full of mediocre acting.

Available on Amazon Prime Video

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ONE DARK NIGHT

One Dark Night was also known as Mausoleum and frankly, this one is the movie that deserves the title of Mausoleum. It takes the basic premise of films like Hell Night where a group of senior students con their underclassmen (or, in this case, a younger girl) into staying the night someplace spooky (substituting a mausoleum for the typical haunted mansion), then brilliantly riffs on Carrie by imagining if her psychokinetic powers had been in the hands of a sociopathic killer using them to terrorize his victims from the grave.

The film does a ton with very little. It sets up the story well, providing ample exposition and character development early on but juggles the three story threads successfully, thanks to the charismatic leads and solid pacing. Once the spooky stuff gets underway, the film relies heavily on atmosphere and suspense, with a few cheap jump scares that segue into actual horror that is still pretty shocking, even for modern audiences. The film is gory, though not in the way you might think, but there were two specific moments that made me cringe.

Sadly, there were no cats in this film. There is a moment early on, with two girls creeping around a graveyard, where the film really could’ve used a cat perfectly, but alas, it opted for a drunk surprised out of sleep instead. Still, of the three movies I’ve watched so far, this one was the most enjoyable.

Available on Shudder

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THE HOUSE THAT DRIPPED BLOOD

Easily the most Halloween-oriented film of all the ones I watched, this classic, underviewed Hammer anthology flick has everything needed for a giddy seasonal screening of fright. Sure, it’s particularly scary but it’s got a stellar cast, it’s beautiful, funny, and most of all it has a WONDERFUL cat in it!

It takes a long while for said kitten to show up, but when it does, it absolutely steals the show. And a black cat, to boot!

Available on Shudder

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HORROR EXPRESS

A classic “horror” film that ended up not really fitting into the supernaturally eerie theme of the season but also was insanely entertaining. Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee have a magnificent chemistry in this movie and, much like the titular locomotive, the film has an energy that’s undeniable. The soundtrack is frustratingly mismatched and would’ve been better served with synths rather than the analog instruments but it still has very memorable cues. The story is killer and even though dozens of movies have riffed on the ideas this movie uses, this one did a fantastic job with it.

Unfortunately, where the film had one of the character’s pets become frightened by the presence of the monster, they chose to make the pet a dog instead of a cat. Why? We’ll never know.

Available on Amazon Prime Video

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THE PREMATURE BURIAL

I cheated a bit here and picked a Roger Corman production of an Edgar Allen Poe story so there was a 75% chance of a cat showing up. But, for a full hour of the film, I was treated to an amazingly lavish, brooding, unrepentantly Gothic thriller that felt like the closest Corman ever got to a Hitchcock film, yet contained not one iota of cat. Then, all of the sudden, KITTEN! Trapped behind one of the walls, a darling striped furball was rescued and coddled by the female lead for almost an entire scene! Young, fluffy, terrified and insanely adorable, it really helped elevate an already gorgeous and charming old school horror film that deserves way more praise.

Available on Shudder

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WARLOCK

So I had to go a bit off a beaten path for this one but I’ve always wanted to watch it and I figured 31 Days Of Horror was a good enough excuse. I’m a big Steve Miner fan, Halloween H20 is a personal fav, as is House, and the idea of Miner doing an action horror flick was too intriguing to pass up. I might also have cheated a bit on the Cats of Horror angle, since the film is about warlocks and, of course, it would be a crime not to have at least one cat in such a film, particularly since cats are the traditional familiar of witches and warlocks alike. But, surprisingly, one of the very first shots in the film is a cat! It’s a big ol’ white-bellied shorthair, clearly of the mouse-hunting variety, but their fate is immediately in question for the mere seconds they’re on screen, which put me in quite a state of distress.

But later on, another purrball appears, this time a well-fed orange tabby, engaging in the typical suspense fake-out, crossing a hall in front of the protagonist, minding their own business and, as usual, looking directly at the camera to remind the audience “hey, it’s just a movie.” As far as the movie itself goes, it’s a real blast and highly entertaining, though paying the steep price VUDU asks is a bit much. If you’ve got HBO NOW, though, it’s free!

Available at VUDU ($5.99) or HBO NOW

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WITCHBOARD

Sometimes, a horror movie comes along that reminds you of how bad horror movies can be. You know the kind, the ones that are boring, cliche-ridden, inexcusably problematic and just generally irredeemable? WITCHBOARD is one of those movies. It has two male protagonists who are insufferable, a female protagonist who, of course, serves only to drive the actions of the male characters, whose relationship is stereotypically bromantic to almost ironic levels. One of the movie’s pivotal moments inadvertently but explicitly violates its internal logic, deflating any tension the film might have generated. If not for a script that actually shows some promise, especially early on, this movie would almost be bad enough to be good. But instead, it feels like the shadow of a better horror film, helped in no part by the total absence of cats or dogs. There is a cemetery, though, but even that scene is a huge disappointment.

I don’t know how it compares to OUIJA or OUIJA: ORIGIN OF EVIL but honestly, they’d have to be supremely boring films to fail surpassing WITCHBOARD.

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