Movie Review: ZOMBIE HUNTER

New to DVD and Blu-Ray this month is the indie flick, Zombie Hunter. It is the first film for director Kevin King, and stars actor Martin Copping, the low-rent Australian version of Christian Slater. Copping plays Hunter, a Camaro-driving, tequila-swilling loner with a head full of bad memories. After a recent drug-induced Zombie apocalypse wipes out most of the living, Hunter finds himself drag racing across the desert in search of more party liquids and gasoline, slashing up Eaters with his fancy knife along the way.

Narrating in the first person throughout the movie, Hunter says he hasn’t come across another living person in months. But that all changes when he’s shot while while hurtling down the highway blind-drunk. The Camaro flips over and he’s dragged away from the wreckage by an unknown assailant. He later wakes up in the company of a bunch of rednecks led by Father Jesus, played by tattooed tough guy and cinematic icon, Danny Trejo

But just like Machete don’t text, Trejo can’t single handedly save Zombie Hunter either. But I digress.

As Hunter gets acquainted with the group at dinner, a rag-tag bunch consisting of the buxom Fast Lane Debbie, innocent Allison, her weirdo brother Ricky, Jerry, and Lyle – the slob responsible for shooting him, he learns that there may be hope for an escape to an island by way of a nearby airfield. Unfortunately, in order to get there you have to go through a town called “Dahmer”. And Dahmer is inhabited by something worse than the Eaters. It’s full of  Zarnies; former humans that became crazed and rabid after eating the Eaters.

After dinner, Fast Lane Debbie puts on a cassette, and heads to the stripper pole, hoping to entice Hunter. Why is there a stripper pole in what appears to be an auto shop? Like the dialogue in Zombie Hunter, such as Hunter’s constant phrase that preludes an Eater’s arrival “stone cold silence”, I’m clueless as to why. Meanwhile, a pissed off and horny Debbie decides to let Lyle have sex with her. But just as he’s about to get lucky, Lyle gets munched by an Eater instead. Debbie escapes. We then see Ricky sneaking back into Lyle’s room to find a magazine called “Caution” under his bed. When opened, the clandestine magazine casts a pink glow. Enter another Eater who almost makes a meal of Ricky, only to get beaten into the after-after-life by the bat-wielding Allison. The pair escape along with Hunter and Jerry, and make their way to the airport. Watching Zombie Hunter is as confusing as attempting to review it.

And even though I’m probably stretching a little, there are a few redeeming moments in the film. Blood is pink, and when a scene calls for splatter, it does so 3-D style on the screen. When the foursome get to Dahmer, they get chased around by a laughing clown Zarnie with a chainsaw, who mutilates Debbie in a remarkably predictable, but fun scene. And before Father Jesus has an wildly violent solo scene where he axes Eaters to bits, only to be taken out by a monstrous mutant Eater, he’s busy praying shirtless to an alter with said ax on it. Sadly, Trejo’s last two scenes are overshadowed by the fact that Zombie Hunter is only 1/2 way in, and the only character you give a shit about, or perhaps only saw the movie because of, is dead. Oy.

Somehow the group makes it through Dahmer, and decide to search a makeshift church in search of food. The walls of the church are filled with inverted crucifixes, and for some reason, a lone meat freezer, that when opened, glows pink, and makes everyone puke. Is it full of rotten, pink glowing meat? Is it Marsellus Wallace’s briefcase? The alien from Repo Man? Once again, thanks to spotty at best editing and a shotgun script full of holes, I’m clueless.

The group finally makes it to the airfield, and they find a small plane that Jerry says he can fly it. But naturally, Jerry gets pulled from the plane by an Eater, and they are soon overrun. The remaining trio stumbles into a room filled wall to ceiling with weapons. A few cliches later, they go out shooting, and the entire scene plays out exactly like a video game – and our hero, Hunter, is out of quarters and finally takes it through the guts by way of the mutant Eater’s giant claw-hands. Allison and Ricky speed away in a truck, leaving Hunter for dead in a pool of gasoline. Will Allison and Ricky get away? Is Hunter dead? Well, if you make it to the end of a film that had tried to be Tarantino, but just turned out like a film hacked together like it’s many victims, you’ll find out.

Just don’t ask me to help you get these 93 minutes of your life back again.